The few who met him as he traveled west considered him a bit peculiar. His jumpiness and strong Southern accent attracted attention, as well as the condition of his ‘60 Chevy Impala. Its bronze finish was covered with a thick blanket of dust, and its back seat, like a mobile footlocker, was piled high with personal belongings—books, records, a guitar, and several pairs of old shoes. The car’s Alabama license plate confirmed that the driver was a long way from home.
Debbie Statten of Starkville, Mississippi spoke to him briefly at an all-night café. She scanned his six-foot frame, his brown hair and blue eyes, and estimated his age to be in the early twenties. She was attracted to him despite his shyness and general lack of confidence, the latter obvious from his stance—shoulders drooping, head slightly hanging. She knew he was from Alabama, having glanced at a dusty bumper sticker on his car that said something about Bear Bryant and the Crimson Tide. But this guy who called himself “Bob” didn’t fit the typical image of a man of the road. And when she asked what town he was from he hesitated—it was as if he couldn’t make up his mind.
When he found the young man asleep at a roadside picnic table, Red Bates of Lubbock, Texas also felt suspicious about the young traveler. Having been a recent victim of vandalism, Bates considered calling the police, but decided against it after hearing the boy’s story—he was en route to Tucson to live with his brother, and anyone moving that far from home was bound to be a bit nervous. But still, Bates had wondered later if he shouldn’t have called the law after all.
Other Texans kept a watchful eye on the young man as he passed from town to town. To many, he was obviously running from something, and as long as he kept on running, it was fine with them. But others felt sympathy for the boy after a closer look. He seemed withdrawn—nervous and afraid—and certainly not a threat to anyone.
The steering wheel slipped beneath Wayne Crocker’s sweaty grasp as New Mexico slid behind him. The miles seemed to pass as slowly as the months and years, as he held to a speed below seventy miles per hour. Crossing into Arizona, he drove in a trance-like state, his face pale, his eyes seldom blinking, red and swollen from lack of sleep.
The faceless towns were like backdrops from cheap cowboy movies, the scrubby southwestern desert stretching endlessly around them. Until now, Wayne had never ventured more than three hundred miles from home, and he hardly noticed or cared about the oppressiveness of the arid countryside he was driving through. His thoughts were centered on Alabama, back home with the people he loved. He hoped to return some day, though heaven only knew if or when or under what circumstances he’d go back.
Soon Tucson lay in the distant past. There was no brother, of course, and he hated traveling under an alias. Neither did he know where in California his final destination might be. He wanted only to put more distance between himself and Alabama.
And somehow maintain his sanity.
Running a hand through his unwashed hair, Wayne glanced at the rearview mirror for what must have been the tenth time during the last half hour. All clear. Still, he cautiously dropped his speed to a steady sixty-five. No need to attract the cops for a mere speeding violation.
He stroked the stubbled growth of his unshaven face and wondered what was happening back home, what his friends and relatives thought of him now. Poor Mom. As if a drunken husband hadn’t been enough to complicate her life—now she had a fugitive son to worry about as well. She probably knew by now he had disappeared. But she would never understand. No one would.
Ever.
Wayne tuned the radio to a fading Tucson station, crackles of interference interrupting the Stones as they wailed “Get Off Of My Cloud”. For weeks, it had been his favorite song but now he could hardly enjoy it. The music stopped, and he listened anxiously to an intervening newscast but there was no news from back home. Not that he had really expected to hear anything, having travelled so far from the South. And as a commercial announced that “What’s New, Pussycat?” was now playing at the Saguaro Drive-In, Wayne silenced the radio and yawned.
As an orange sunset seared the horizon, his eyelids grew heavy. Wayne’s only concern now was to get some sleep.
On the outskirts of Gila Bend, he spotted the Cactus Motel and checked his wallet. Not much cash left—less than fifty dollars. Soon he would be forced to find a temporary job before moving on.
As the Chevy rolled to a stop in the motel’s un-paved parking lot, the cloud of dust trailing it, settled on the now motionless vehicle, adding to its unsightly accumulation of dirt. Wayne registered under the alias of “Bob Evans,” the name of his childhood Boy Scout leader, and after checking into Room 7, was satisfied that the five dollars it had cost was well worth the long needed rest it would provide.
The room was small and relatively clean, boasting only a double bed, a dresser with a broken mirror, and a portable black-and-white Motorala television set. The aluminum foil covering the chrome tv antenna rods, reminded him of Uncle Ed’s blurry set back home. Wayne walked over to the room’s only window and gazed at a flickering a & w sign across the highway. He pulled down the shade and retired to the bathroom where he flicked on a dim overhead light, and yawned.
Glancing at a mirror above the sink, Wayne remembered how he’d tried to rid his face of unwanted freckles as a child. He yawned again and drew back a pale yellow shower curtain.
Surrounded by fading seahorses on a worn blue tile, the bathtub was scarred with an assortment of stains and scratches. Testing the flow of warm water from the faucet, Wayne shed his clothes and immersed himself in the tub, reclining as best he could within its confined space. Hoping to experience a few moments of peaceful solitude, he closed his eyes and consciously expelled all thoughts from his mind. A steady drip from the faucet slowly pulled him to sleep, but the blasting horn of a transfer truck outside quickly jarred him back to reality.
After preparing himself for bed, Wayne collapsed across the sagging mattress, lying on his back to examine a maze of cracks across the room’s plaster ceiling. The intersecting lines criss-crossed in a weblike pattern and he remembered a silly old horror flick, “The Spider,” he had seen with his cousin only a half dozen years before.
Squeaky bedsprings sang in the dimly lit room as Wayne tossed and turned for comfort. How many girls have been laid in this bed? he wondered. They had likely stared at this same ceiling while sweaty studs sprawled all over them and thoughtlessly grinded away.
With eyes closed, Wayne prayed, begging God for forgiveness and pleading that he be given a second chance to start his life anew.
“I don’t blame You, Lord, if You feel I’m not worthy,” he mumbled, his voice cracking and tears running from his swollen eyes. “I know I only come to You when I need help. But, God, I’ve lived a decent life till now. And, Lord, I was so lonely, I hardly knew what I was doing.”
Memories flooded into Wayne’s mind—how, in grammar school, he’d been quiet and withdrawn, his face stinging with embarrassment when a teacher scolded him before his classmates. How he had been voted “Most Likely To Succeed” in the eighth grade. How he had painfuly shied away from girls through high school.
Females.
Why had he been so self-conscious around them? Why had his stomach always twisted into knots at the sight of a pretty girl? Why had he never learned to relax around the opposite sex? Why had the problem only grown worse as the years passed?
Leaning over the mattress, Wayne fetched his crumpled trousers from the floor. Turning on the light, he removed his wallet from the hip pocket, and slid a wrinkled Polaroid snapshot from a hidden compartment inside.
She looked pitiful in the photo, half-naked, unconscious and bruised. But her beauty was not to be denied as she lay there with her breasts exposed, asleep and unaware she was being photographed. Till then, Wayne had been a hero. But only moments after the shutter snapped, the nightmare had begun.
His eyes were locked on the wrinkled photo. She was so vulnerable, so innocent, he realized. Her torment had been far worse than his own.
Nancy. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to you. And I’d give anything to take it all back. I only hope you understood before I … I …
The crunch of gravel from slow moving tires jarred Wayne’s thoughts. The police? Quickly he bounded to the window and peeked outside. In the waning light, a tall cowboy was helping a homely, young lady from a pickup truck and escorting her to the room next door. Breathing a sigh of relief, Wayne turned out the lights and returned to bed.
Why did I do it? he wondered. Why didn’t I quit while I was ahead?
He remembered the freezing river, the panic he’d experienced when she confronted him with a knife, the trail of blood down the hallway.
Screeching bedsprings soon sounded from the adjoining room, accompanied by a steady pounding on the wall. Wayne could tell by the rhythmic clump-clump-clump that the two were making love, their frenzied movement forcing their bed’s headboard to strike repeatedly against the wall. He could hear the woman beg for more, gasping with every thrust as even the broken dresser mirror in Wayne’s own room began to rattle.
Suddenly the tempo intensified, the bedsprings singing even louder amid a chorus of muffled moans and groans. Lying in his bed, listening to their passionate cries, Wayne felt as if salt had been poured on his own wounded pride. Finally, with the dying ovation of simultaneous release, the noise abated, and silence returned to the Cactus Motel.
The corner of Wayne’s pillow was wet from tears. He rolled his head to find a dry spot and tried to sleep, but his mind was racing and unwilling to succumb.
Nancy’s image haunted him again, refusing to fade. He remembered the ropes he’d bound her with, the look of fear and confusion on her face as they lay naked on his bed and he explored her flawless body. Wayne longed to hear her voice, yearned for her touch, but the tears returned with such force that he finally had to turn over his soaked pillow to avoid the dampness.
Knowing he did not have the right to feel sorry for himself, Wayne dried his eyes, but it was no use. Badly in need of rest, he tossed and turned but couldn’t help thinking of all he’d lost, and all that might have been.
How he yearned to feel the desire of an understanding woman, to have her hold him and draw him inside her—a pleasure in life he had never known.
And yet he had come so close.
So very close.