The Art of Love: knowing how to combine the temperament of a vampire with the discretion of an anemone.
—E. M. Cioran

It is a summer night, and the full moon provides plenty of light as you head to the club. The light mist in the air and the cool dampness feel good against your exposed skin. You have done your make-up to perfection and are wearing your sexiest dress, the one that fits your body like a silk glove and accentuates all of your assets. The tops of your breasts are dusted with glitter. Your lips are red, a deep, blood red, and your smoky eyes beg men to come to you, to need you, to desire you. But you are only after one man tonight. This is a man who can be as dark as the night and as stoic as the grave. This man can offer you eternal love.

You had planned on a Friday night at home so you could finish up some paperwork. Long hours sitting at a desk, staring at a computer monitor, have left you feeling tense and claustrophobic, so you decide to go for a walk to unwind before you hit the sack. Stepping out into the cool darkness, you look up at the harvest moon, hanging low, full, and darkly golden in the sky. The reflective light from the orb casts long, dark shadows across the ground, creating shapes that shift and slide as you walk past. The sounds of the night come to you—a train in the distance, a cat in the alley, and a … well, you are not quite sure what that is—and you move on.

It is dark inside the nightclub, and the gloom is punctuated by jagged slashes of multicolored laser light and staccato flashes from the strobes. The air is damp and uncomfortably warm from the heat of writhing, dancing bodies, and the air is thick with tobacco, clove, heady perfume, and spilled gin. As you make your way through the crowd, you feel your own heartbeat throb in your throat, and your pulse races in anticipation of tonight’s events. You can feel moisture slowly trickle down between your swollen breasts as your breathing quickens. You know you look enticing. Your hair ruffles a moment as you pass a fan, and you are quick to straighten it with a couple of swift moves of your fingers. You want to look your best because tonight is the night. Tonight you are planning on meeting your vampire. The Transylvanian nobleman to your fair and seductive Lucy awaits, and you are ready for the chance at eternal romance.

Being alone has its advantages: It gives you time to think. You have been working day and night, and your work is your life; it always has been, but not by choice. You have always been something of a loner, introverted, and though you have had many girlfriends, you haven’t yet found anyone who really understands you. In all of your relationships, you have felt a desolate aloneness. Despite your many liaisons, you have not been able to find a real connection. You are looking for something more than the women you have met have been able to offer you. Unlike most of your buddies, you are looking for something serious, something lasting. You are looking for a love that is transcendent, the stuff of poetry, and not the shallow banalities that your peers seem to relish. Her eyes will be pools deep into her soul, and she will know all your needs and yearnings from the moment you meet her. She is out there, and you know it. You can feel it. But where do you find this sort of passion and romance in a world of glass, steel, and diodes? Where do you find the key to eternity?

While the ultraviolet darkness of the club surrounds you in a cape of pounding musical beats, people bump you as they pass, and you check out their faces and scan the crowd for this vampire of your dreams. He is there. You know this as well as you know your own name. Your pulse quickens. You imagine his breath on your neck and the warmth of your own blood as it pounds through your heart, bringing in the oxygen. It is as red as it can get, and you are a ripe piece of vampiric fruit. You can imagine his hand wrapping itself around your neck and then flattening out as his fingers trail down toward your breasts. You know it is time, and you think you are ready.

She is your succubus, your vampire. Her heat is palpable as you imagine her floating down to you or stepping around the corner of that hedge up ahead. You would do anything to meet her. You would sell your soul.


If you are seeking romance in the arms of a vampire, you need to read this book. Information is strength. You need to arm yourself with knowledge about what you are getting into. You need help. Because of the fairly recent assimilation of vampires into human society, more and more humans are taking up these complex relationships, making access to this information vital, now more than ever. In this book, we present a brief history of the vampire and some theories of vampire sociology. We discuss common misconceptions of these long-maligned and often misunderstood creatures and how to responsibly form relationships, romantic and otherwise, with them.

When you have finished reading this book, you may still want to spend eternity with your vampire. We hope that at least we may help you to pick the right vampire for you, and we want to enable you to go into this relationship with your eyes open, armed with information, knowing exactly what you are getting yourself into. This knowledge comes from years of study and our own personal infiltration of the vampire culture. It’s secret information available only to those who are part of the inner circle. Come in. Just don’t tell anybody that we told you these things.